Old Man Parks

by | May 29, 2014 | 3 comments

This edition has nothing to do with meat. It has nothing to do with running a small business. It has nothing to do with my personal triumphs or tragedies. It has to do with getting old. I think I’m getting old. Here’s what happened…

Last Monday, I took Laura and the kids to Six Flags for the day. I know, I know…What kind of idiot goes to a theme park on a holiday??? It was the only day we all had off together so I got online and pre-paid for as much as I could; tickets, parking and this magical little item called a Flash Pass. Total sidebar here, but if you go, spend the $75 per roller coaster rider for this.

It seems expensive, but if you pay yourself $50 every time you don’t have to wait an hour for the next ride, it pays for itself very quickly. I think the longest Jack and I waited was about 5 minutes and we got to ride each ride twice without getting off the ride! OK, digression over. As we got on the tram to the park we saw the first of what would be a cornucopia of bad taste.

Welcome to the Land of Inappropriate Clothing and Incredibly Bad Tattoos! As I mentioned, it started from the tram. Our first example was a mid-50’s gentleman wearing a red Angry Birds shirt. No big deal right? However, his shirt was complimented by a red Angry Birds hat…and red Angry Birds shorts…and red Angry Birds socks AND SHOES! Oh yeah, all capped off by the red Angry Birds fanny pack complete with a stuffed bird head on the front. I thought surely he must have lost a bet, until I got to the park and realized how common this type of clothing abuse was.

It was so bad that I started forming rules for my new government agency: The Department of The Exterior. I am appointing myself the first Secretary of the Exterior and yes, it is a CABINET position (bwahahahaha!) Here are some of my favorites:

Underwear: it’s called underwear for a reason. It is not a fashion statement, unless the statement you are trying to make is that you are a moron. I wish it was limited to the teen and pre-teen girls and wanna-be gangsta boys. But alas, there were moms with their thongs sticking up over their short shorts and dads with their jeans sitting way farther south than should be legal. First Rule: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR DRAWERS!

Yoga Pants/Leggings: There are exactly two times you should been seen in public wearing these skin tight disasters. Going to yoga and coming home from yoga. One of the great ironies in today’s world is that the vast majority of the fools wearing these wouldn’t know Downward Dog from Underdog. This is not a statement on body type- you will notice that I didn’t say “some people”, or that these pants are not for everybody. I just don’t need to see every wrinkle, crease or piercing you have from the waist down. Second Rule: IF WE CAN TELL WHAT KIND OF DRAWERS YOU ARE WEARING, YOUR PANTS ARE TOO TIGHT!

Size Matters: My 11 year old daughter definitely got a lesson in what will be acceptable to wear as she grows up. There are many sub-rules in this category. First, let’s go ahead and cover up the crease of that butt cheek. I love the female form as much as the next red-blooded American male. But no matter how hot you think you are, the underside of your butt is not appealing. Next rule: COVER UP YOUR JUNK!

Gents, if you want to cover up your ankles, purchase pants, not shorts. For this epidemic I blame the boxer manufacturers. They went and put colors and patterns on boxers and now these hip-hop hoodlums think their drawers are a fashion accessory. But I’m not here just to complain, I have a solution! From here on, all boxers shall be pink, trimmed in lace and read “I Still Wet The Bed”. That should solve the problem! New Rule: SEE FIRST RULE!

Tattoos: First off, this part will be somewhat hypocritical as Laura and I each have a “ten year anniversary” tattoo. However, the tattoo thing is getting out of hand. We saw unbelievable displays of insanity. Dudes with arms the size of pipe cleaners with the always popular barbed wire around their triceps. Girls with all seven of their kids’ faces on one arm (that will look like a melted Russian doll collection in 30 years.) It has become so bad I saw Asian people with random English letters tattooed on the back of their necks and on their forearms.

I even saw a butterfly with a tattoo of a hooker just above her whale tail. No rule here, because I will be the producer on the new game show in 30 years called “Guess What My Tattoo Used to Be!”.

When I played in the band a few years back it was inevitable that at any private gig we did the over/under was about two songs before some “elderly” person would ask us to turn the volume down. Smart money was on the under. Now, I have become that “elderly” person! As I age, I find myself thoroughly entertained by the bad choices that younger people make. I’m sure kids today find what I wear boring and un-hip. What I don’t understand is the parents that let their children out of house in some of these costumes.

I am all for creativity and individual expression, but if my son walks out of the house with his pants halfway to his knees, he’s going back in to get a belt. And if my daughter thinks she is going anywhere in shorts with less material than a common handkerchief, the nuns at the convent she finds herself at will explain the err of her ways. But I don’t think I have to worry about such things as they seem to have good heads on their shoulders. Let’s hope it stays that way…

Hey you kids….TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN!!!